Picture this: You're about to get intimate with your partner, and you instinctively reach for that drink to "get in the mood." Well, you're not alone. Over four million adults in the U.S. regularly turn to alcohol before sex. But what if I told you that sober sex can take your pleasure to a whole new level? Yes, you heard that right – sex without alcohol can be even better than with that glass of wine or bubbly champagne.

But to understand how to improve your experience during sex, and especially during sober sex, it's important to first understand why so many people drink before sex in the first place.

Why do people drink alcohol before sex?

Sex is an intimate act, no matter if it's with a long-time partner or someone new. Intimacy requires vulnerability and the willingness to open up physically and emotionally. And let's be honest, this level of intimacy can be scary for some. Past experiences, societal norms and relationship dynamics all play a part in how comfortable we feel during sex. That's where alcohol sometimes steps in, numbing the discomfort while inhibiting emotional closeness.

But here's the thing – alcohol's effects on the brain make us more focused on the present moment, blinding us to potential future consequences. Many think that alcohol promotes relaxation and confidence.  Sex after drinking is expected to be more fun. However, the reality is often the opposite. Alcohol can actually reduce sexual desire, arousal and orgasms. Not so enticing anymore, is it? So why not trade that drink for a deeper connection?

The benefits of sober sex

Sober sex enables you to be fully aware and in control of your needs, wants and desires. Communicating these desires before and during sex empowers you to explore pleasure.  As you consciously explore what feels good with your partner, you build trust and safety in the relationship, which strengthens emotional intimacy as well. So, if you’re longing for lasting emotional and physical intimacy, expanding your connection is key.

But, let's be real – it's easier said than done, otherwise, those so many adults wouldn't still opt for their pre-sex drinks. 

Tips to get the most out of sober sex

  • Talk to your partner about your intentions and concerns. If venturing into sober sex is uncharted territory for you, discuss your game plan with your partner. Share your desires, fears and boundaries, and let the journey unfold together.
  • Acknowledge that sober sex may feel unfamiliar and possibly triggering. Don't rush into intercourse if you're not ready. Start with gentle physical touch, even with clothes on, to ease into the experience.
  • Fully immerse yourself in the sensations of your body. Pay attention to what brings you the most pleasure and explore it further.
  • Notice how sober sex feels different for you. Observe how it impacts your perception of yourself and your partner.
  • Look out for emotions that alcohol once masked. It's OK to slow down and process any new feelings that sober sex may unearth. Remember, you're breaking old habits and forging new connections. Take your time, and explore sober sex at your own pace.

Is aging the end of great sex?Absolutely not. Discover the truth.

Dr. Catalina Lawsin, PhD is a licensed psychologist who has been supporting sex and relationships for the past 23 years as a professor, researcher and clinician. Dr. Catalina offers support in her private practice, group programs and public talks. You can connect with Dr. Catalina @TheIntimacyDoc on TikTok, IG or TheIntimacyDoc.com

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